for the time being...

... for the time being; a phrase that has been continuous over these past 8 months. I never imagined myself working with people who have autism (or other developmental disabilities) when I was a little girl wondering how I would spend my life. No, as I sat on the porch swing, I would dream of discovering lost worlds, translating preserved pages of Scripture, and getting my knees dirty. Yet, I am so grateful for how God has used this transitional time in my life to reveal great truths about Himself and this fallen world I am passing through. I have had to face hard questions, both in my mind (which are sometimes the most difficult) and from others, about autism and what those who are disabled by it face everyday. I feel powerless when asked. How will I ever begin to understand what it feels like to not be able to form words or have a voice or not know how to use the bathroom by myself or how to cope with a near constant sense of anxiety? God, I ask where are you in this....? And yet each day I see Your image ingrained inside your creation: The ability to experience pure joy. The knowledge and ability to love well. A genuine concern for those who are absent or hurting. A yearning for goodness.

Amidst the hurt and despair, God you are present. I am grateful for others who know you and have experienced similarly my situation...

I was recommended a book by Henry J.M. Nouwen called In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership. What follows are his thoughts after working with the developmentally disabled. I have been deeply encouraged by his words.

I am learning many new things, not just about the pains and struggles of wounded people, but also about their unique gifts and graces. They teach me about joy and peace, love and care and prayer -- what I could never have learned in any academy. They also teach me what nobody else could have taught me, about grief and violence, fear and indifference. Most of all, they give me a glimpse of God's first love (1Jn. 4:19), often at moments when I start feeling depressed and discouraged.

I am not ready, nor do I feel the need to be, to give an answer as to if the people I am honored to work with daily have the cognitive ability to grasp the Gospel. That is a question that turns my stomach... but, I do know that God is good and willing that none should perish. I know that he has a heart for the broken and draws near to the crushed in spirit. I know that I love because he first loved me and gave himself up that I may become the righteousness of God. Therefore, that is what I strive to do daily as I work with my kids. God grant me a love like yours, a compassion and ability to comfort those with the comfort I gain from you.

These are the things I have been thinking on. I wanted you to know.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children on God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in its pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Romans 8:18-27